Hey! Do you know what you are? You're an asshole! An ASSHOLE!

Some of you might not agree 'Cause you probably likes a lot of misery But think a while and you will see... Broken hearts are for assholes Broken hearts are for assholes Are you an asshole? Broken hearts are for assholes Are you an asshole too? Whatcha gonna do, 'cause you're an asshole...

Maybe you think you're a lonely guy Maybe you think you're too tough to cry So you went to The Grape, Just to give it a try And Dagmar Without a doubt, the ugliest sonofabitch I ever saw in my life Was his name... One Two Three Four! The whiskers sticking out from underneath of his Pancake make-up And yet he was a beautiful lady Nearly drove you insane Let's talk about Leather: LEATHERRRRRR And so you kissed a little sailor Tex Abel, starring in the latest Shepperton Production: Who had just blew in from Spain Sir Richard Pump-A-Loaf You sniffed the reeking buns of Angel The story of a demented bread-boffer And acted like it was cocaine Cucumber pud annexed to a fine whole-wheat loaf You were dazzled by the exciting new costume of Ko-Ko Then on Tuesday night, Ceasar's back in town In a way you can't explain Facing off in a no-holds-barred tag team grudge match With Kona. And so you worked the wall with Michael Three-hundred-seventy-nine pounds of Samoan dynamite Which gave your back an awful strain Volcanic Hell But you came back on Sunday for the gong show Next Thursday, teen town's finest... But you forgot what I was sayin' 'Cause you're an asshole, You're an asshole That's right You're an asshole, you're an asshole Yes, yes You're an asshole, you're an asshole That's right You're an asshole, you're an asshole

Now you been to The Grape 'n' you been to The Chest 'N' now I think you know what you are: you're an asshole

You say you can't live with what you been through Well, ladies you can be an asshole too You might pretend you ain't got one on the bottom of you, But don't fool yerself girl It's lookin' at you Don't fool yerself girl It's winkin' at you Don't fool yerself girl It's blinkin' at you That's why I say I'm gonna ram it, ram it, ram it Ram it up yer poop chute Corn hole Ram it, ram it, ram it Ram it up yer poop chute Fist fuck Ram it, ram it, ram it Ram it up yer poop chute Wrist-watch; Crisco Ram it, ram it, ram it Ram it up yer poop chute Pud!

Don't fool yerself, girl It's goin' right up yer poop chute Don't fool yerself, girl It's goin' right up yer poop chute (etc., repeats)

Aw, I knew you'd be surprised...

Only Zappa could make lyrics like this and carry on making it all sound funny and ironic. Which when one thinks of it, it is! And then Watermelon in Easter Hay is one of the finest aching guitar solo orchestrations ever performed.

Well it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe It don't matter anyhow And it ain't no use to sit and wonder why, babe If you don't know by now When the rooster crows at the break of dawn Look out your window and I'll be gone You're the reason I'm travelling on Don't think twice it's all right

Well it ain't no use in turning on your light, babe Light I've never known Ain't no use in turning on the light, babe I'm on the dark side of the road Wish there was something you could do or say Something to make me change my mind and stay We never did too much talking anyway Don't think twice, it's all right

And it ain't no use in calling out my name, gal Like you've never done before It ain't no use in calling out my name, gal I can't hear you anymore I'm thinking and a wondering, walking down that road I once loved a woman - A child I'm told Gave her my heart, but she wanted my soul Don't think twice, it's all right

So long, honey-babe Where Im bound, I cant tell Goodbye is too good a word babe I'll just say, "Fare thee well" I ain't saying you treated me unkind You could've done better, but I don't mind You just kind of wasted my precious time Don't think twice, it's all right

Call you up in the middle of the night Like a firefly without a light You were there like a blowtorch burning I was a key that could use a little turning So tired that I couldn't even sleep So many secrets I couldn't keep Promised myself I wouldn't weep One more promise I couldn't keep It seems no one can help me now I'm in too deep there's no way out This time I have really led myself astray Runaway train never going back Wrong way on a one way track Seems like I should be getting somewhere Somehow I'm neither here nor there Can you help me remember how to smile Make it somehow all seem worthwhile How on earth did I get so jaded Life's mystery seems so faded I can go where no one else can go I know what no one else knows Here I am just drownin' in the rain With a ticket for a runaway train Everything is cut and dry Day and night, earth and sky Somehow I just don't believe it Bought a ticket for a runaway train Like a madman just a laughin' at the rain Little out of touch, little insane Just easier than dealing with the pain Runaway train never comin' back Runaway train tearin' up the track Runaway train burnin' in my veins Runaway but it always seems the same