On a little less loving (or perhaps loving in a different way) note, I have been doing a lot of thinking on the issues of another friend. He has been avoiding me, I think, but that has been okay with me for the most part.

Not as much as avoiding you, as much as dealing with my own blues, in my own way, in my shell.

A line was crossed, however. In his search to pinpoint her motivation, he has grouped all women of a certain level of experience (those who have, at one time, either had casual sex, or who might be willing to enumerate those who they have been intimate with) into one group. I don't know if this is the virgin/whore dichotomy or if there is some other grouping that he has come up with in his research.

I have no problems with what choices other people make in their life (including sexual life). As an aside my best friend of many years, had casual sex a few months ago and when he brought it up with me, I told him what I thought of it. That didn’t make him any less of a friend for me or reduced his self worth as a person. He has since made peace with the issues that were driving him to act he did and whose consequences he perhaps later experienced. And I was also able to make peace and come to an acceptance of the fact that he acted as he did. However yes I am concerned with the cause and effect of the actions people I am associated with take, because perhaps now I am wary of being hurt in the fallout. While I know that some of the pain is a necessary inducement for growth if dealt with in a mature way, I also think that it’s wise and prudent to be aware of history of people I associate with to avoid getting screwed.

I got the distinct impression while talking to him that I fell squarely into the "whore" grouping, as he asked me to enumerate for him, a list of every guy I have ever had physical contact with. I refused to give him any such information as I have no such list, I have no desire to create one, and, frankly, it was none of his business. I was offended to be asked such a question, as it made me feel like less of a respected friend and more of a whorish, gossipy acquaintance who would just throw out such information about people he doesn't know.

I perhaps didn’t communicate very well. I just asked you based on what we were discussing if you had previously made/had such a list as it was discussed in the book, Tongue First. In this asking I assmued that we have a level of trust between us, where in I feel okay to ask/tell you what is on my mind and you can respond likewise. So yes, perhaps I overstepped the limits of trust in that exchange. You said no and that ended the matter. This however doesn’t not mean, that I was interested to know the minutiae of your life, at least not beyond what you wanted to volunteer to tell yourself. So I apologize again for my lack of tact in communication.

I am not pleased to think that his opinion of women, generally, and me, specifically, has degraded to such a place where all women can be categorized somehow by his definitions of "okay" and "not okay", because I have a feeling that most women, including myself, would end up on the "not okay" side. But if that is the case and I am suddenly not okay with him, then I suppose that is his problem. There isn't much I can do about it.

People don’t fit categories and someone's past is notindicative of what their future would be like. But I have come to believe that a person’s past shapes what he/she is motivated by, what are the strengths and weaknesses, what are someone’s values and to what extent does one uphold and live those values. I am in the process of thinking about these issues, mainly because I am compelled to think about them by my recent and still painful past.

I can empathize with almost anything and anyone, because I am human for which I claim no credit. And that enables me to acknowledge the loneliness and the pain that is a part of human existence. But perhaps I cannot live at peace with all of my issues, situations and histories. Perhaps someone else, of whom they are many in this city, wouldn’t want to get along with me as well, again perhaps because of these same issues, say because I don’t like large meaningless gatherings or casual sex. However what I am trying to define for myself is a balanced sense of right and wrong. It’s on such a basis, I can act and live perhaps more deeply and hopefully more meaningfully. I don’t, again, expect everyone would agree with my thinking, although I hope some already do and will.

This also doesn’t mean that I am belittling the choices other people make, hoping that they are responsible for both the choice and the consequence, but I want to be more, if I may use the word wise, about the choices I make. Such choices would of course include people I associate with and love. While I believe that love, however poorly I understand it and manifest it, has to be extended to one and all, it can be expressed fully only in it’s particularity towards a few.

Also I am trying to learn from my experiences and become more aware and wiser of the possible limits and mores of this society. For example, I didn’t know, personally and directly, previously that people have sex after they go on a date. While my dating experience has been limited, I haven’t made sexual overtures to someone I am with on a date on the few I have been on just because that is okay. Perhaps some of them didn’t like the fact that I wasn't attentive enough to them, mainly because some people do read and take sexual attention as being the only way someone can be appreciative or attentive of/to them. At least now I am aware of, why perhaps they didn’t like that and me.

However I am sorry for giving any other impression about this issue.